I was supposed to post this a long time ago since I’m trying to put out blog posts every Monday and Friday. But for the past couple weeks, depression got the better of me.
I have high-functioning depression, so most of the time, I can power through my to-dos. But I had one really bad week where all I could do was get through work and then head home to play mindless shooting games or stare at the wall. The week afterward I was in a bit of a depression hangover and had to slowly ramp myself back up.
When I’m in a funk new ideas don’t come to me. I can’t create. Instead I cycle through the same thoughts that I’ve cycled through for years.
What if this is the best my life gets and it’s all downhill from here? What if I don’t dig myself out of it this time? What if I were to just let depression consume me and whither away?
Yeesh. That got depressing real quick. And it’s hard to come back from that.
When depression first took hold of me, I was twelve and it was brutal. I slept all the time. I ignored my friends. And I ate horribly. Since my dad worked afternoons and it was up to me to feed myself, my dinner most nights was mac and cheese and cookie dough.
Then it went away. And then a few months later it was back. It always comes back. Sometimes it comes back after a few weeks. Sometimes a few months.
I started to wonder if I was drawn to writing because I was a depressed person. That was the stereotype, right? My depression had made me one of the chosen few. But as I’ve gotten older, I realized that I don’t create because of my depression, I create despite my depression.
So, here I am back at it. I’m still planning to post every Monday and Friday, but I know that there are going to be times where the depression takes hold and I can’t. But I’ll always keep trying.