Dieting is for Masochists

I realized that what I thought was winter weight a couple of posts ago, is actually just plain old obesity. Fun! So, I decided to try to rid myself of all the weight that I’d put on over the past year.

My friend started Weight Watchers a couple months back and liked it, so I decided to give it a try. Plus, I liked the idea of getting a coach that I could call at anytime. Let’s be real, an obese person double fisting donuts is just as bad as an alcoholic double fisting fifths of vodka, and they get a coach to help them through it.

So, I signed up, paid the ridiculous fee for three months, and then tried to figure out the fucking point system.

As a frequent dieter (maybe that’s my real addiction), I’m used to counting calories. If you point to a food I can estimate how many calories in that portion of food and be accurate within 100 calories. This is what happens when you’ve been on and off diets your entire life. It’s a gift and a curse knowing how many calories you’re stuffing in your face.

The point system is different. After putting in my height, weight, and goal, the app told me that my daily point limit was 30. I promptly tracked my breakfast from that morning and BAM! 15 points were gone.

They calculate the points based off the amount of sugar and fat in the food, or some bullshit. I dunno. I just know that every day I’d think that I was eating well and then I’d track my food to see that I used up a fuck ton of points and would need to starve myself the rest of the day.

The expectation is that if you hit your points for the day, but are still hungry, that you can snack on fruits and veggies as most of these are 0 points. Why Weight Watchers thinks that me, an obese person, would choose fruits and vegetables when I’m hungry is beyond me. So, I canceled my account.

What I really need is someone to follow me around smacking food out of my hand or initiating panic attacks. Panic attacks are great for weight loss.

A few months ago I went on a medication that caused me to have back to back panic attacks for four days. The thoughts of wanting to die to get away from the feeling of the panic attacks were enough to keep the hunger away. Combine that with a pit of doom in my stomach, and I was only able to put down maybe 600 calories each day. I lost 10 pounds in a week.

So, yeah, I could always just trade my sanity for a hot bod.

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