Do These Drops Make My Eyeballs Look White?

I was looking for dandruff shampoo at Walgreens, as one does when they’re 31, losing their hair, and have already ruined their appearance with years of neglect, but could not find it. Standing in the shampoo aisle, I saw signs further dividing the aisle into women’s, men’s, medicated, and ethnic (why is the ethnic section so fucking small?). I went to medicated, but just found bullshit like tea tree oil shampoo. After 5 more minutes of searching, I found it in the men’s section.

According to Walgreens, men are the only people who get dandruff. I feel like this was done for the purpose of making women feel beautiful and superior. Uh, women don’t get dandruff, we get volume, take me to that good good John Frieda shit.

But don’t worry, just as the hair care aisle was lifting up your self-esteem, these eye drops for women came along to knock it right back down, you dingy-eyed bitch.

Lumify’s commercial is shot like a hair or makeup ad, so I was surprised to find that they were selling eye drops to women. My favorite part is when they describe how their product works “so your eyes can appear whiter and brighter to reveal their natural radiance.”

Am I supposed to be self-conscious about the brightness of my fucking eyes now???

It’s bad enough that I have small eyes and not the doe eyes of a Zooey Deschanel, but now I have to wonder if my eyes are as white as my teeth. Wait, are my teeth white enough for my eyes?

What kind of mind fuck is this?

What would happen if men used these eye drops? Would their eyes start bleeding cause it’s not for them? Or would their balls shrink?

What’s going to happen when I use the dandruff shampoo I got from the men’s aisle? Is it going to be ballsack scented?

Fuck it. I’m going to use it anyway. Vagina be damned!

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